I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.

I just made a killing in the stock market -- I shot my broker.

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!