I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.