Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.

If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!