College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!