She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?

We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."