The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.