The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.

What is a home without children? Quiet.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."