Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

A man goes to a barbershop and asks, How many ahead of me? Five. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Four. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Six. The man leaves, and the barber says to another, Follow that man! The man comes back and says, He goes to your house!

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner says "You mean third base?"

My wife has a black belt in shopping.