My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

Are you married? What do you do for agravation?

The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"