My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

Take my wife... Please!

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?