A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, we saved your grandson. The little Jewish Grandma says, He had a hat!

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.