If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"