If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

I've got enough money to last the rest of my life ... as long as I die about four o'clock this afternoon.

I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"