I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.