I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner says "You mean third base?"

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.

I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'