His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."