When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.
I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
I just made a killing in the stock market -- I shot my broker.
I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"