His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.