I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'

Let's get up here before we get killed!

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?