"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

If I had blood, I'd blush.