A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.