A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Let's get up here before we get killed!

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.