My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."