I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked?

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"