I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz. The man says, Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. I'm sorry, he's on vacation. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's on a big case, not available for a week. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's playing golf today. Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Speaking.

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!".

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.