I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz. The man says, Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. I'm sorry, he's on vacation. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's on a big case, not available for a week. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's playing golf today. Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Speaking.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!