She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.