He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them.
Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"
My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!