I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.