Take my wife... Please!

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

I just made a killing in the stock market -- I shot my broker.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.