In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.