If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.