If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.