Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.