He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them.

I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

I live about four muggings from Central Park.

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"