He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.