You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner says "You mean third base?"

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.