You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'