You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them.

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"