My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.