The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.

I live about four muggings from Central Park.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...