The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

We aim to please... You aim too, please.

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.