I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.