When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.