I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!".

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.