I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz. The man says, Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. I'm sorry, he's on vacation. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's on a big case, not available for a week. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's playing golf today. Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Speaking.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.