I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

Let's get up here before we get killed!

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."