I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini!