If I had blood, I'd blush.

I just made a killing in the stock market -- I shot my broker.

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz. The man says, Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. I'm sorry, he's on vacation. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's on a big case, not available for a week. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's playing golf today. Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Speaking.

He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?