I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

Are you married? What do you do for agravation?

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.