I've got enough money to last the rest of my life ... as long as I die about four o'clock this afternoon.

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".