I've got enough money to last the rest of my life ... as long as I die about four o'clock this afternoon.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.

Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.