I've got enough money to last the rest of my life ... as long as I die about four o'clock this afternoon.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

Now, the band that inspired that great saying, "Stop The Music!!"

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'