The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."

My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.