Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini!

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.