Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.