My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

There is no spark like the one ignited under the aspirations of a new graduate.

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...