Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.