My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

I've got enough money to last the rest of my life ... as long as I die about four o'clock this afternoon.

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."