There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.

He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them.

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"