Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini!

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.