A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them.