A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, we saved your grandson. The little Jewish Grandma says, He had a hat!

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.