A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman - go see what they want!

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked?

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.