I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"