The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.