The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"