Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

A man goes to a barbershop and asks, How many ahead of me? Five. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Four. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Six. The man leaves, and the barber says to another, Follow that man! The man comes back and says, He goes to your house!

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'