Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman - go see what they want!

If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?

Are you married? What do you do for agravation?

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.