If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman - go see what they want!

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.