I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini!

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.