Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"